Success Comes at a Cost High Performers Don’t Realize
My years working in investment banking and equity research at Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan were an incredibly tough environment with very high demands on my time and energy. Careers in finance, tech, medicine - these all attract high performers. It’s exhilarating and the people you work with are incredibly talented and driven. It sharpens judgment, raises standards, rewards quick thinking, and narrows tolerance for inefficiency.
What most people do not realize is that this success comes at a very high cost to you personally. Years ago, my own Mother made a pointed comment that I would very likely not have a family or be married if I stayed in this career. She had a point watching me work until very late, then going out with colleagues and then back to work again.
Having spent years in investment banking at Goldman Sachs and now working closely with so many accomplished men and women, I see a pattern that rarely gets named: success can create isolation—sometimes structural, and sometimes inadvertently self-imposed. We stay within this group - but alpha personalities sometimes can work together but are unsuitable to be paired up in a relationship. I’ve seen so-called power couples of two surgeons who could not stand each other. One married a teacher and thrived.
The path to success often means long hours and social circles concentrated among similarly driven peers. This narrowing can sometimes lead to intolerance and judgement - when the reality is that people do not need to be exactly the same to have great relationships. When people demand economic alignment - while understandable - they are also potentially missing someone who brings them joy and relaxation. Every family and couple needs a balance. It becomes a pattern and people are in siloes.
Dating, however, operates differently, so differently. I focus on the long-term, not on the short-term only. Being partnered with your “twin” can make things easier but is it truly healthy - it all depends.
What leads to professional success - that decisiveness, that optimization, that killer instinct….Is that what one wants in a personal relationship? Really? The best relationships are safe, warm, supportive and encouraging of growth and love. Moreover, different perspectives are valuable and keeping an open mind to activities, adventures, to learning matters so much. What about family? Caring for family members? Health? Mental health? There is a holistic element to every good relationship.
Optimization is just NOT a good word for relationships. People are not meant to be “optimized”- life is messy and its a good thing too.
The most successful relationships have joy, creativity and safety. I was giving a talk recently at the Harvard Club of New York and I was asked - What matters in a good relationship? My answer to my high-achieving audience: It’s respect and chemistry. Chemistry comes not from just attraction but there’s also a very powerful chemistry to be seen, to be accepted for who you are. Respect matters as people treat each other kindly if they respect each other.
High achievement is not always what counts - it’s that respect and chemistry that matters more when you’re building a relationship that will last through time.
📊 There’s research that backs this up too….Research from Harvard Medical School's study on adult development found that the quality of relationships—not wealth or professional achievement—is the strongest predictor of happiness and health in later life.(Harvard Study of Adult Development)
I love connecting great people - given my own working trajectory - my focus areas are: San Francisco dating tips orNew York City matchmaking resourcesfor localized insight.